As you can see, it’s been a little while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been experiencing a lot of difficulty in this season. Sometimes I feel ashamed or a little embarrassed, or even frustrated when I find myself in this place. But I do however know, that I’m human. And we all experience difficulties. It’s not a one time thing. It comes and it goes. And comes and goes. It’s just the way life works…
So as I’ve previously stated, I’ve been experience great difficulty. Quite a bit of emotional things that I’ve yet to be fully healed from. And it seemed as if I’ve been trying everything to get to a place that I needed to get to, but it just wasn’t working. I constantly found myself repeating cycles again and again. Just when I think I’m good, here comes a familiar place. So over the last few months, I knew that I needed to take action to get my life back. I knew I wasn’t in a comfortable place, and it wasn’t beneficial for me to stay there. We all go through the process. But a process doesn’t mean we stay in that place of struggle, or that place of difficulty. So I knew, it was time for me to move. So, I sought out solutions to my season of issues. Some things I just refused to tell anyone about. Had a few friends I’d share with in hopes of getting advice. Had a sister I’d share with, in hopes of getting advice. Then as most of you know, I decided to go to therapy. Let me just put this out there, I’m a strong believer of therapy and counseling. My therapy sessions were going well. It helped me to see things from different perspectives, it helped to think about situations in my past that ultimately led me to where I currently was. It helped. I felt myself going in the right direction. Found myself in a good headspace.
However, somehow I revisited a familiar place. I found myself in the same place. I began to feel uneasy. Felt myself in uncomfortable places I knew I shouldn’t be in. My attitude kept getting worse. I was snappy, moody, and constantly frustrated. I felt like my voice was being stifled once again. I was always misheard, misunderstood, or not given an opportunity to be heard at all. I felt as if people accused me of things that they did, and weren’t giving me a chance. I was hurting on the inside. In some cases, I felt like I was doing my very best, but many of those things were being overlooked.
And I began to feel like everything I tried just wouldn’t work. After seeking advice, after finding a good Christian therapist, how could I feel what I’m trying to leave behind here with me again. I would pray, small prayers. I then started reading Christian books to help me. And as I started reading, I noticed the correlation to the messages at the time when I’d go to church. It was always about submitting, and giving God all of our issues. I’d read it, take notes, highlight, but I was still there. Yesterday’s church service was sort of unique. We had testimony service, which we don’t normally do on a Sunday morning. So many of the members shared their testimonies, and it really blessed me. It’s amazing to see the hand of God on the lives of other people. You just never know what someone has gone through. As I was blessed by the testimonies, I started to get chocked up. And felt as if I should’ve shared a little. But I couldn’t. Lately, I haven’t shown too much emotion. I don’t act as if I have it all together, but I haven’t shown that I’ve been broken. During the service, I kept hearing that too often we try to fix things on our own when we’re under attack. (When we have great purpose and destiny on our lives, the enemy will always attack us. We will always endure some sort of trouble.). We think we can handle it on our own. We come up with all of these potential solutions, and start with the trial and error phase. Exactly what I chose to do. I thought all of this would work, when I try put it in my own hand. (These methods can and will work, when we put it in the right hands.)
As the service and prayer went forth, I began to realize why I was really in the place that I was in. I wasn’t passing through, I was still there. It was because I hadn’t fully submitted to God. I hadn’t really laid every weight down. I hadn’t really given it to Him. I was still holding onto them, trying to figure it out on my own. Trying to seem like I was fine, when I really wasn’t. I couldn’t handle it on my own. We’ll never get the relief we need when we continue to hold onto the weights and the issues. We’ll continue to go around in circles.
There’s no way we can do it on our own. We have to release it, lay it down, and trust God to do the healing. We also have to ensure that we don’t pick it back up. Often times we lay things down, and not too long after we’ve picked the very same thing back up. And we start to feel the same effects of the past. To be sure we keep moving without picking it back up, we have to have a prayer life. That’s what keeps us. Prayer and hearing from God. Whether that be through the bible, through people, or an audible voice. That connection is important. It’s keeps us grounded, and pushes us to propel.
I said all of this, just to encourage you to trust God enough to give Him everything. All of the constant issues that we face, we can’t handle alone. But God can. Sometimes we don’t understand it. Sometimes it’s just because of the purpose we have on our lives. And we can’t allow the attack of the enemy to take us out. We have to fight. Fight through prayer and through the word of God. Release, lay it down, and trust God to do the healing! Then what we thought wouldn’t work, God can use.
~Miss Jones xo
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