Avoidance

I’ve somehow found myself in a place of avoidance. I’ve been confronting some issues internally, trying to take the necessary steps to getting things together from the inside. However, the positive things, things that will lead to something greater, I’m avoiding. According to Dictionary.com, avoidance is the act of avoiding or keeping away from. Avoid means to keep away from; keep clear of, or to prevent from happening.

This quarantine has taught me so much. For one, it has reminded me that I have internal issues that I’ve avoided for quite some time. So I’ve made the decision to get back into therapy. I’ve done a search and researched, reached out and I’m ready to start the journey again once I’ve solidified the perfect fit for me. To be honest, it took me a little while to reach out to someone. But I did it, because I know that it is time. I’ve been working in certain areas, ensuring that I make better decisions for my future. Then I get to a point where I just fall all the way back.

I’ve come to a place now where I’m just chilling. Unhealthy chilling lol. Just taking a break, not doing much. It’s funny that we say we need to go on a hiatus or step back from everything and think that it means doing nothing. I was reminded through a zoom last night that self-care is something that helps you thrive on your own. That can mean taking a break or finishing a project. Both aspects help you to thrive on your own. I initially wanted to go on a break from certain things to focus on what I know I need to do. However, this somehow turned into not really working on the projects that I need to work on. So I’ve now acknowledged that I’m in a place of avoidance. I’ve also learned the importance of finding the root cause of something, digging to see where a certain behavior has stemmed from. Well, my question has turned into why are you avoiding all these projects, ideas, why aren’t you executing.

The first thing that came to mind was fear. Honestly something that has been a constant battle for me. I’ve overcome on many occasions, thank God, but it’s still a struggle. What am I fearful of? I began to think and I fear failure or not being able to successfully complete what I feel to do. I fear not having people on board. I fear lack of consistency, but it all comes from fear. I began to dig deeper, and some of the things I’m avoiding or trying to get out of completely is because of the way people view me. Some people try to hold me to a standard or place I know that I am not in. I am far from perfect, but people think because of who I am I have to be a certain way. I will never be able to be in a place that certain people hold me to. But I’m ok with that. So I’d rather just walk away from certain positions because of it. I really do not want to fit the mold that people think I should be in, so again I’d rather just be out. Honestly. But does that mean I shouldn’t be in that place? Maybe not.

After thinking, I’ve realized the importance of digging deep and acknowledging where you are. It helps you to release. It allows you to be honest with yourself and no matter how much you may not like it, it helps you to own your truth. What happens next is up to you. For me, this always helps me to remember my why. None of what I do is 100% about me. The projects I want to complete is really for others. But I can’t be good for others if I’m not good. Take your moment, but don’t get stuck. Realize when your moment means releasing, just taking a break, or getting back on the saddle and executing. I’m able to write now because I know I’m not the only person who’s experiencing this. Needing to practice self-care, but also remembering that self-care is also completing the project. Acknowledging when I need help and knowing when I just need to be honest with where I am on my own. And if I’m not the only one feeling like this, why not share my experience. This here, this piece, is a part of completing the project. One step at a time, but you have to take that step. Can’t stay down, can’t stay stagnant for too long. Let’s do what will help us to thrive on our own and finish what we’ve started.

~xo Miss Jones